Eesh, I have been dreading writing this one…
As I have mentioned once on this site, I am a hoarder. Craft items, geeky figurines, books… I hoard a lot. But the one thing I have hoarded more than anything, ever since I was a child, are snacks. Namely, chocolate.
My sisters and I would go visit my grandma when we were kids. Naturally, as I’m sure all grandma’s have, she had a jar of chocolate and biscuits that we could help ourselves to. My sisters would take one small thing each, whilst I would take as many as I could, all different things, and stuff them in my pockets as though I were expecting the end of the world to start the next day.
Even to this day, I still buy SO much sweet stuff. I mean, just look:
And this is just one of the tubs I have. Although I can take slight rejoice in that I don’t really eat from this box but, rather, encourage my family to help themselves whenever they come around. But the fact is that this tub still exists. And I will probably add to it should it start to look a little sparse.
I have always seen having something there just in case as a sort of comfort blanket. I would take a chocolate bar to work but keep it in my bag just in case. Usually this would stay in my bag until it was out of shape and broken and, after some time and a life-upset later, I would inhale it and many other bars at the same time. But knowing it was in my bag… I don’t know. It’s something I’ve always done and I have no idea why.
I think it’s a childish thing. Some toddlers and children have their favourite teddy or their favourite blanket to turn to if they need comfort. And a lot of the time it is coupled with a hug from their parent or guardian. Besides the quick hug I’ll give my sisters from time to time, or the quick squeeze I’ll give my mum occasionally, I don’t really get any physical contact. So I think that, in a babyish way, having that treat stashed away is my mental hug and a kind of affirmation that, should I need it, I can have that sweetness and, perhaps, go back to my childhood days.
Another point about this box of sugar is the psychological aspect.
In the film Matilda one of the most well-known scenes is Bruce and the chocolate cake. Because Miss Trunchbull believes Bruce stole a piece of her cake, she forces him to eat the entire thing as punishment. One of the things she says to him is ''Greedy little thieves who like to eat cake must have cake!”.
Why have I mentioned this? Well, as someone who has been self-loathing for most of my life (I’m working on it) I believe the hoarding is a form of punishment to myself. My interior voice is saying “You like chocolate, Fatty? Have all the chocolate then!”. I know that this is a form of self-bullying, which as I’ve said before is what Anxiety sufferers often face, and that if I were to do this to someone else I’d likely get into serious trouble. But I can’t help but think that, sub-consciously at least, I am punishing myself for not liking myself.
I hope this makes sense?
So I am beginning to see now how everything falls into place. How self-hatred can lead to overspending can lead to hoarding can lead to eating can lead to over-eating can lead to self-hatred… It’s the vicious Circle of Life, that I will rename the Circle of Loathe. And as Game of Throne’s Daenerys Targaryen says, “I’m not going to stop the wheel, I’m going to break the wheel.”
Until the next post, Big Love xx