Hey you. You're glowing today! What's your secret? Never mind, you keep that to yourself and keep shining 😘
So, since my last email I've added some posts to my site (why not check them out?) and kept writing. Here, on various other sites, my journal. I have realised my love for writing, for creating. It makes me smile. And it distracts me from the big scary world out there. Well, no. The world's only big and scary if you focus on the negative things that are happening. The world's actually lovely. But it's nice to be distracted from all my thoughts once in a while, you know?
Anyway, I've realised that, slowly but surely, I am making a habit out of this.
It has to do with my therapist. When she asked how I'd been over the past couple of weeks since she and I last spoke, I realised with embarrassment and frustration that the only thing I could tell her was that I'd shut myself away in my Depression Pit â„¢, aka my bedroom. I have been letting depression kick my behind and have locked myself away to avoid anything and everything. Oh, and I've been sleeping. A lot.
Naturally she was concerned about my behaviour. When asked why I was doing this, I simply didn't know. Maybe it was habit? Maybe I was exhausted? Maybe it was my brain's way of telling me I needed a break? So we came up with a plan. A simple daily task for the week, until our next session. "Get yourself out there," she told me. Get out of my Pit each day, get some fresh air, be around people. Wash, shower, all that jazz.
So I made up my mind to go to that certain coffee chain each day. I get to sit here, write, people-watch (people-listen, actually) and consume caffeine. And I feel content. I feel like an actual human being, rather than a stain on the bed that's just slobbing there waiting for someone to come in and throw the sheet away as it's too far gone.
In my last email I talked about Lil-Gemâ„¢ and how I was, essentially, passing the reigns to her. And I've been listening to myself, to my body and mind. And the more I listen, the more I realise I'm on the right path.
I feel the need to clarify this to you. During all my years in the Depression Pitâ„¢ I've felt my body aching, my bum going numb, my brain being under-stimulated. When I'm in there, I'm no different to a plant. I don't have to think, I don't have to move. I just am. Usually I mindlessly go on my Playstation 4. Occasionally I attempt to read a book. But I typically fall asleep. But whatever I do in there, it's suffocating. It's messy, it's stuffy. But, worst of all, it's where all my bad feelings are.
Let me clarify this further, as I clarified the same to my therapist. I associate my room with being trapped, being in prison if you will. I don't recall the last time I was in there and felt good. Felt worthy. It's where I go to hide from everyone. And it sucks. Really, it does.
So now I've listened to my body (screaming out for movement, sunlight, fresh air) and my mind (write more, listen to other people more, could do with some coffee right about now) I've realised just how much I've mistreated myself and mistreated Lil-Gemâ„¢, as my therapist keeps referring to. And I don't feel good about that. I feel really guilty, actually. But I'm on the up. I'm slowly getting back in the habit of being a person out in the world. I'm looking around and discovering more. Discovering me. And I'm enjoying it.
Listen to yourself. Your mind, your body, your feelings. These things don't lie, it's just your thoughts that do. But do things that make you feel alive. And enjoy yourself, or at least be content in what you do. Because you deserve to smile. And the world deserves to see your smile.
Until the next post, Big Love xx