Once again, my inability to chill the heck out and insist on doing many (too many) things all at once, has caused me to overload myself once more. Hence my site silence.
In short, I've only gone and burned myself out. Like, pretty much all the way out. Severe anxiety, clinical depression, all that jazz. And the irritating thing is that I knew it was coming and STILL didn't chill. The mental health curse, eh? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So, I have a whole buncha things set up for the new year (not resolutions - you know my thoughts on them!). I have lists of various challenges that I will partake in covering a range of things so as not to get bored and give in. These are mostly 30-day challenges but there are further things too that will assist in keeping me engaged with myself and helping my mental health. Things like 30 days of squats, art challenges, depression "challenges" like simply brushing your teeth or getting dressed each day (yes, this sounds so simple and not gross at all, but my current state will show you that depression doesn't seem to like clean and non-smelly people) and more.
"Why start in the new year?", my consciousness asks, perplexed. Well, right at this moment, in my current state, I am simply unable to process anything. Christmas is only a very short time away, but has not entered my mind once in the last month. I am off work - not a choice I wanted to make but, after speaking to my GP, an absolute necessity. I do not communicate with anyone other than my mum. And I know that I cannot make myself do anything. Simply put, I'm a mess.
BUT, I am strong enough to know that this is temporary. That I've been in this zone before and got myself out of it. That others are going through this same thing so I know it's not just me struggling. And that's a great thing (not the "others struggling" part - I mean that I'm strong enough!!). That any extreme bad thoughts that I would have had in the past when I wasn't as strong are still there, but now are simply acknowledged as a flicker of brain activity and nothing more. Like, I barely even throw those thoughts a thumbs-up before dismissing them. I know I'm equipped to not just handle myself, but to lean over the pit of despair and lower my hand down to myself to pull me out. That I'm the one who turns up with the heavy machinery and towing rope to pull me out of this.
And I finally understand that that is something I can be proud of 🥰
So, to the title of this article - one thing at a gosh darn time - my only goal during this cold cold month is to simply get up and brush my teeth each day. If I do more than that, brilliant. If I do just that, brilliant. When you're in this zone, the littlest thing you do is an achievement.
If you are feeling the same way, please don't give up. In the words of Snow Patrol: "There's joy not far from here, I know there is. This isn't everything you are."
Until the next post, Big Love xx