Eesh. Three months since my last update. Part of me is really sorry - to myself, to those following my updates, to those I may be helping. But the most part of me is simply shrugging and putting away the white flag.
You see, I admitted defeat. The Depression Slump is real. The Anxiety Attacks are real. Each singularly a formidable opponent. Reckon I would come out first with a few bruises and a tooth missing. But together, one hell of a tag-team and an instant K.O.
The thing is, they kinda just snuck up on me. Living with these conditions you just know that they're always around the corner, peeking at you. Still, I was jumped and somehow didn't see it coming.
Three months later, however, I am here; updating my site, sitting at my usual spot in Starbucks and smiling to myself. Despite how bad I've been feeling over the last three months; sad and tragic things have happened, other sad things are ongoing, work (which I used to love) has gone down the shitter and the general mood has been bleak, what with all the bad stuff happening in real life and in the news; I have still come out of it with a rosy outlook and with plans.
I've taken this time of moping around, being unhappy at work and lying in bed overthinking, to actually think about what matters to me. When was I happiest? When am I happiest? What can I do to get back to that? And I'm happy, and sad, to say I've now decided on what I am going to do.
As this post is about realism, I've not ruled out the fact that anything could happen in the run-up to what I'm going to do. I know my plans could easily Change depending on Life. And I'm going to be easygoing about all that. I will accept things that happen and deal with anything as and when.
But my goal at this time is to travel. And I am completely in the zone. After speaking to those who know me well, it's a common fact that I was simply buzzing out there. The smile on my face in the numerous photos from that period is so broad and so genuine. I did mention in a previous post that I was approaching my 40th... Well, I've now decided that I'm going to postpone my 40th celebrations and instead concentrate on everything I need to do to enable me to fill my backpack and head back out there.
In no particular order, the things I need to tackle are: weight loss, clearing the last of my debts, setting myself up with a steady income for when I'm out there, and selling/getting rid of the mountain of impulse purchases I am currently wallowing in.
Seeing as I've given myself a deadline of July 2024 to leave my job, my aim is to get through all these things as quickly as possible. A hefty task if you consider that I am currently heavier than I've ever been in my life (thank you, Depression & Anxiety 😒), but like I say, I am completely in the zone. I am so much in the frame of mind that I can already smell the warm dust of Thailand's streets, bringing back the most glorious of memories. I am going to give it my all.
When I stated I was happy and sad about what I wanted to do, I meant it. Because the one thing that will destroy me is leaving my family behind. In the words of Arthur Morgan from Red Dead Redemption 2, "You know, nothing means more to me than this gang, the bond we share. It's the most real thing to me." I am so damn lucky to have the family I have; my mum, my sisters, my nieces. We are so close. And I know that I have to spend as much time as I can with them physically before I go, making sure I squeeze every last hug out of them. But with the likes of Skype, online tracking, instant messaging etc, I know I can still be the best aunty, sister and daughter I can be, even from the other side of the planet.
Now, I will briefly mention at this point that prior to typing up this post, I was going to restart this site from scratch. I considered deleting all the posts and building from the ground up. But I thought better of it. Again, being realistic, I am struggling and I see no point in ever lying about that. Weirdly, I want people to see my struggle. I want people to read through my posts and know how hard it's been. Because I want those people to know that they too may struggle but they too can overcome.
Get yourself a goal. Zone in on that goal but keep your mind open.
And, did you know it's impossible to smile with your eyes open?
Until the next post, Big Love xx
(Psst, I know it's not really impossible to smile with your eyes open. Just wanted you to smile. You have a lovely smile. Enjoy your day. 😘)