Wasn't it Ronan Keating who sang that "Life is a roller-coaster, you've just got to ride it"? And the best roller-coasters come with big climbs and massive drops. Makes them exciting.
But not life. The massive drops in life are the ones that plummet you into the dark and leave you guessing about when the next climb will be. So I've been reading up about creating your own life. You know, those self-help things where you think good and attract good. That sorta thing.
So I've done 2 things recently that I was planning on doing, like, years ago but just didn't. I started journaling, and I created a Vision Board. Let's start with the latter.
I've been following some people (on social media I should say, not just in a creepy way) and have been in awe of their success stories. How they dropped a load of weight, or how they went from rags to riches, or how they had the courage to drop everything in life to create something new and wonderful. And a lot of these people have one thing in common - they'd all made a Vision Board. It's the whole see-it-to-believe-it thing, where you put it in pictures and you can make it happen. So, I've given it a go. See the picture atop this article.
It may look like a sticker sheet threw up on a sign holder, but it makes sense to me. And my goals are simple. Lose weight, find somewhere I love to live, and start a new career. And the suggestion to be a writer? Well, I have ideas for some novels and short stories that I feel I need to write and get out there. And then hide and pretend I didn't. Cos I'm shy and bashful like that. But really, I've had these ideas that have been eating away at me for years now and I have to get them out of my head and into actual words so I can clear some brain-space.
I know that, to most, my Vision Board doesn't look appealing. Even off-putting. But, to me, my thoughts are now physical and it has helped so much. Putting plans into action, starting over with some little Changes to help myself. That sort of thing.
As for the first thing, the journaling, let me tell you how this has helped. Reiterating what I've just said about clearing some brain-space, I now have a secure spot to vent out everything that's going on mentally. But the odd thing is, I haven't vented in it. Rather, I've spent the time making it look all pretty and writing pretty things in it. And guess what? It's made me feel better!
Let me go into this even further. With a journal, you have the opportunity to write whatever you want. It's for you. Your own space. Your own stored secrets. Now, I could choose to write something like "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhh" across the pages each day. But I haven't. I've found the lovely things to write about. The reason I'm stressing this point is because I am a negative person. I admit this. I am patient, I am generous, I am warm and compassionate. I am a lot of good things. But I'm negative. I think negatively and I talk negatively. Yet I've not been negative in the place where I'm writing down my innermost thoughts. And it's not all about the aesthetics of the book. I don't care about making it look all pretty. It's about how writing makes me feel.
Let me tell you something else. I had a trip recently for a weekend with my fabulous mum and sisters. It was part of my 40th and we were at the Lakes in old Blighty. And it was stunning and we had a fab time. And one of the highlights for me was visiting Hill Top, the Northern home from home of Beatrix Potter. (If you've never been, may I suggest you make the time to visit this place? Trust me.) The thing that stuck with me most from the visit was how much she adored that place. It was so easy to see. And the fact she loved it so much she drew a lot of it into her books really says everything. The passion and everything that has gone into the house was mind-blowing for me. And it has stayed with me. That this lady found a place she truly loved so much that she drew it for her characters, and for all her readers, to share, is what I want.
So what's all this got to do with "Getting lost and re-focusing"? I'm going to be honest again and tell you all that I'm having therapy sessions currently. As I'm still off work, I've got some help. And one of the things I said right at the beginning, during my first session, was that I feel utterly lost. Or, rather, stuck. Either, or. And my therapist told me that it was too much. Just that. Everything was too much. I basically don't have the brain-span to focus on fixing all aspects of everything. Which made me realise that this was the whole point of this website.
When I first had the idea of Coffee and Changes, I was in a certain coffee chain and it hit me. Little Changes. Big Differences if you keep at 'em. And it then made me realise that I'm rubbish at taking my own advice. I could help anyone. Honestly I could. But myself? Nah. I seem to spew out advice and then turn on myself in a threatening manner, frightening myself. That inner-bully reigns still.
But something else my therapist said, before introducing me to a fantastic exercise, was that Lil-Gem™ was my voice of reason. The little girl inside me who knows what I want/need and is just trying her little best to help me. But Lil-Gem™ is being suffocated by Big-Bully-Gem™, who won't let her be happy. It's that whole internal fight, the good conscience Vs bad conscience. And I've been letting the negativity win. And the exercise my therapist introduced me too? I'll talk about it in a future post.
I know all this sounds weird, like I'm absolutely crazy insane. But it makes perfect sense. (And no, I'm not absolutely crazy insane). For so long I've been negative. I've been lost, mentally. Stuck in bad habits and going round the same bad loop. So, with the assistance of the Vision Board, I can now see what is important to me right now. And with the professional help, I can teach myself to listen to myself. To listen to Lil-Gem™ and let her take charge. Because, after all, that little voice inside is the one that keeps you going. It's the one that makes sure you have things to look forward to. The one that makes you see the light on the darkest days.
And that inner voice deserves all your love.
Until the next post, Big Love xx