As I have talked about in previous posts, I suffered both a mental and a nervous breakdown at my current workplace.
Both, I knew were coming. Yet both shattered me. And I had to go on sick leave for some time to recover. The difference between the two, however, was that after my mental breakdown I had a magnificent mentor/supervisor to talk to. Here's what happened:
The first time I took time off, I couldn't imagine myself returning to work. I was working with a highly toxic colleague, I was struggling to do the job I wanted to do because of the actions of others, and I was generally pissed off. I didn't want to return to that environment, and the thought of heading back there made my stomach churn.
Now, I live some distance away from my workplace. And my manager at the time would come over and visit from time to time, meeting up at a coffee shop. And we'd find ourselves discussing, or rather bitching about, the workplace toxicity. My manager was also feeling it. This, of course, didn't help me. How could I be expected to recover and return to work if the manager herself didn't want to be there? So at that point, it was safe to assume I had given up hope.
But I still tried. Having worked since I was 15 years old, I wasn't used to being off sick. I didn't want to be off sick. I'm a hard worker, always have been. So I kept in touch with my manager, trying to do all I could do. Now, at the time we had a new supervisor who had been there a matter of days. Her name was Claire and she had come from another department and was quickly getting to know the place. When my manager asked for another get-together, this time she told me that Claire would be joining us.
At this point I'll tell you that I've worked with all manner of managers and supervisors. Some have been brilliant. Others truly despicable. Some I have cried about leaving and still miss, others I would hesitate to take my foot off the pedal should I see them cross the road to this day. Well, maybe not. But I'm still appalled to this day however horrendous some of them were.
So when I met Claire, knowing that workplace, I was apprehensive. I was geared up for a slanging match, if I'm honest. But as they approached me at the table, she sat immediately next to me. "I've heard a lot about you," she told me instantly. "You're missed there." We settled down to our coffees and that's when she hit me with another line:
"What can I do for you?"
It was the first time in this workplace that anyone of superiority had offered help. And I was flabbergasted. I didn't know how to react, besides to cry. And as I swigged a mouthful of too-hot coffee, the tears began to stream. And Claire, bless her, put her arm around my shoulders but said nothing.
After I'd apologised profusely for my sobbing (as I was used to doing at that workplace), she told me she'd worked with many people who were suffering with their mental health and had gotten a lot of them (those who wanted it) back to work. Others she'd helped find work elsewhere. But she genuinely cared. And I knew that, working beneath this supervisor, I wanted to return. We quickly came up with a plan to get me to return. She had suggested that week; I freaked out and suggested 2 weeks from then; she nodded in agreement and told me that was fine.
The first time, I simply had to drive there. Just give her a quick call when I was outside, then go home. I got a friend to come with me in the car and I did just that. Caller her, gave her a quick wave through the car window, and left.
The second time, I was to go there, park up and have a cup of tea with her. Again, with my friend with me in the car, I did that. I went into her office, we had a cup of tea, and I cried some more. She understood and told me I was doing amazingly.
The third time, I was to go there, park up, have a cup of tea with her and then walk with her to my office. And that's what we did. And she made it easy for me: she stayed next to me the entire time, she held the conversations that started, and she would put a reassuring hand on my arm whenever I tensed up.
Within a few weeks, I was back at work. And it was thanks to Claire. I never thought I would go back there but, because of her, I did.
So, back to the present day, and I am still off work. Claire no longer works there and things have gotten worse. But, despite that, prior to my breakdown I took on a new role. Because I understood how wonderful it felt to have someone have my back at work, I vowed that I would do that very same thing. I would have someone else's back. So I trained. In psychology. In mentorship. In leadership. And I applied for the role of Wellbeing Coach. I didn't get it. I was told that, based on my experience, my demeanour and the fact I was so determined to help others, I was instead going to be a Wellbeing Champion. That I would be someone the coaches could talk to should they need to.
I am proud to say that I helped a lot of people. A lot of colleagues opened up to me about things they had gone through. A lot of colleagues sat with me and cried, thanking me afterwards for listening to them. Now that I am away from the office, though, I no longer have that role. "Fix yourself, make yourself complete, before you can help others." And I miss it. But I know I will get there again once I Fix myself (which I'm working on steadily and winning).
The whole point of this article is that, although I was in a bad place, the fact that one person showed caring really helped me so much. So be that person who cares. Ask someone if they are ok. Listen to others. Reassure them. Because I know from experience that a great way to help fix yourself is to help others.
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Until the next post, Big Love xx