As I have stated in my "Dear Diary" entry earlier, I have thought good and hard about what I am, and am not, doing and have come to a conclusion: Mentally I am scared of Change.
How do you just draw a line beneath all those years of sameness? How do you pick yourself up from the well-known cozy spot and take yourself to different lands? How can someone who has been the same for so damn long actually Change?
It's by no means easy. And it isn't something you can just shrug off and say "Okay, let's Change." It's something you really need to dig into and unroot, no matter how emotional.
In past therapy sessions, I have openly told my counsellor about my dreams for the future. Be successful in work, have my own place with some land, maybe find love. It all seems so far away from my current situation. But my therapist asked something that, for some reason, surprised me. "Why haven't you done this yet?" And I remember opening and closing my mouth for, what seemed like, several minutes whilst different scenarios ran through my head. Yeah, why HAVEN'T you achieved this yet, that little voice sniggered. Then it hit me. I didn't know why. She then said something else which surprised me even more, then made complete sense, then made me cry.
"You are staying big to protect yourself."
And the more I thought about it, and continue to think about it, the more I realise how true this is. My life right now revolves around seeing my family as much as I can and work. That's pretty much it. I'm happy with this as I have beautiful nieces with whom I have a wonderful relationship with. I have amazing sisters who I adore and have the best times with. And I have the most awesome mum who has been my rock all these years.
My issue is that I would feel extremely guilty about going off to achieve my dreams. In my mind, I'm so settled in this current life that everybody else must be this settled too. That I couldn't, say, disappear overseas as my nieces might need me, even though staying in touch with everyone is as easy as ever now. And because of these thoughts, I have given myself the easiest option: I don't have to make the choice now because I'm too big to achieve anything.
Well, that's how my mind works anyway. You see, when you weigh some extra pounds, you panic in anticipation of sitting down. Will the chair hold my weight? Will my thighs fit? And no, I'm not talking about armchairs or couches. I'm talking plane seats. Rail seats. Travel seats. Of course I won't fit. That's that dream dealt with. And I won't even go into fitness. Like, if I had a house with some land, what would I do with said land? I'm too unfit to work it. I'm too poor to pay someone to do it. So, there's that dream dealt with too. And love? Ain't nobody lovin' this here belly and butt, she said, flicking her cigar to the ground and climbing onto her horse. So, there goes that dream too.
The thing is, that little voice whispered quietly, I WANT to do all these things. I like my dreams.
With that, the decision was made. Whether I need to restart or just crack on now, it doesn't matter. What does matter is what happens next. Either Fix things a little at a time or look back 10 years from now and regret not trying.
And that, my dear friends, is why you need to really think hard. Why do you want to Change? What do you want to achieve? And, most importantly, don't you deserve it?
Because I reckon you do. I reckon we all do.
Until the next post, Big Love xx